Soooo it’s been a while … and wow what a while it’s been. 😱 Like oh em fuppin G !! I’ve been so busy the last couple of months with work , personal “roadblocks” , love and American Horror Story . So many things have happened and whilst I should have wrote it down, I just let it hit me in the diddies one by one . I watched a short clip today when I was feeling like a wet tampon. It was an inspirational man who said if we can’t as humans fix a problem in our lives, Why Worry? Or if we can fix the problem , Why Worry? We have no control over things that can erupt our lives , these things will happen, people will be assholes, you will be sad sometimes , but one thing we can control is our smile …. I pictured myself walking past people who have hurt me , people who have done nasty things , who have taken from me or just simply are w*nkers, with a big smile on my face . It is more powerful then words and it shows volumes of you. So puddins, Just Say F*ck It and SMILE . 😄
Some of you might find this odd , some of you may find it hilarious but someone may also relate. When I got older and started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks I turned into a freaky mofo… I wouldn’t open a door to anyone. If a takeaway of a good ole Chinese arrived and someone yelled “Get the effin door!” I would run away and pretend I didn’t here it. It was like I was afraid of who was on the other side of the door and better still what would I say? Most of you are probably thinking ‘you absolute fruit cake you just open the door , take the food and say thank you’. It’s easy to do I know that, but when you suffer from something that makes you break into a cold sweat and makes your heart race for no reason you think something is wrong , I can’t do anything , I look like shit on a stick, they will laugh at me, you just crawl away. You become socially awkward towards poor Johnny delivering your food and then he freaks out. Now a days , I’ll open the door in my pj shorts on backwards, inside out and stuck to my arse and not give a hoot. They humans. Who cares? You just need to overcome thinking there is a gremlin on the other side who is going to judge you. F*ck It, grab the food , smile that you can now eat your own body fat in 10 minutes and run inside with excitement of munching on the prawn crackers first!! 😀
Public transport….. dear sweet Jesus. As bad as it is to take 2 buses every morning and afternoon, there is nothing as bad as standing on packed bus , the smell of stale p*ss and BO in the air and the ignorant son of a b*tch sprawling out across 3 seats. Now to add to that having a panic attack whilst this is around you is not pleasant. I remember I had to jump off one morning because I thought I would pass out on the bus. I ran to the nearest bathroom, got myself together and got a Berrocca into me. Bloody great yolks! Jumped on another bus and was on my way. The second time this happened I called a loved one. When your in a panic, talk to someone , via text, email, a call. It takes your mind off your surroundings for just a moment to zone back in and calm down. Now dealing with the frustration side of people just being dicks, that’s another hurdle. It takes my every strength to hold back and not say ” I get you think your entitled to take up the whole fricken bus, but your actually just an ignorant twat”. Don’t let people get to you. Why waste your time over someone else who is just someone who will always be ignorant and rude. You can’t change them. If you could you would be Harry Potter. For me even to write that takes my strength on those people. I’m not saying don’t lose your shit because hey we ALL need to do that now and again … trust me let lose. But F*ck It , throw your arms up and say your an asshole and I’m not!
I’m sure a lot of you guys and gals relate to the below picture because I can tell you all right now that is my lazy , bloated , don’t give two fiddlers body right there 
You find warmth, comfort and a safe haven in bed. Where your dreams are outlived that night and forgotten once your eyes covered in shitty green crap, open up slowly. I for one used to wake up every morning with my tummy in knots almost feeling the need to puke everywhere. I would start to sweat and the feeling of dread swept over me. I was bored of my routine, work and living situation. I felt I had no way I’ve having the will to get up and kick the shite out of the world. It took a while but my living became better, job got better and I could get up and go. Of course I don’t wake up and start singing ‘Eye of the Tiger’, dance my way to my Nutri Bullet or run 10km to work, but I have a life worth living. I have better than most people that do not have a job, a house or loved ones. Yes there is days of anxiousness and it happens but just get up and say F*ck It I am going to kick ass today for myself and be happy for small things in life.
When I was younger I was a chubby tomboy. You will see in my pic of my Grandad and I, I didn’t even give a shit at that age either. Having chats and tea. They were the days.
I grew up around my cousins who were mostly male and so took after them and there boyish ways. I began to eat more as I got older, midnight feasts of crisps and Kinder Eggs. Eventually I was a big girl. I started to care once I realized men existed and l should be the same as every other girl and slap on the Sally Hansen everyday, roll up the school skirt and come in with my face looking like a cement bucket. I joined Slimming World , lost 3 stone, and was happy in my size. I was more confident. I then got in my first relationship, ate like he would love me no matter what, got hefty again then BANG… he was off looking for his next target. I remember the heartbreak… thinking “That C*nt made me fat again!” So then I didn’t eat much after that because I was so confused and broken. Lost more weight and boom another relationship. Not again… The cycle continued. Today I am a size 12-14 , I try to eat healthy and try to lost weight, wondering if Kyra Banks would hire me when I’m a size 8. But yano what? I’m happy. I’m happy for what I have. Yes I will continue to get fit and eat healthy , but I will NOT break my arse in a gym for 2 hours straight for someone else. Be happy and eat cake! F*ck it !
In teenage years I was always a girl who wouldn’t know how to approach a man if someone had a gun to my head. If I got any attention at all I would make it awkward. I remember a party I went to for the first time in a long time , I got wasted off a 2 litre bottle of p*ss and was flying it around like I won X Factor. I was so happy that night. I saw a guy I had not met before and thought “Oh begod I would give him a go” even though I did not know what “go” was or how to do it as well as I thought. He approached me that night and I got a bit flustered. He then proceeded to hint about “sharing” a bed. Now all I had on was a Nike tracky , no make up as it dripped off me with the cider, and one boob the size of a dutch pancake. I ran inside and tried to scrub up but to no avail. To add more matters into the mix I checked around the “perimeters” to realise I could appear in Planet of the Apes. No way was I doing this. I went back and avoided him and after a while he fell asleep so I managed to get away. I thought to myself why avoid someone who wants your attention, why judge what they think when you do not know it yet. That was me all over. I presumed things and still do. The next morning he had left and I ‘presumed’ again he had lost interest. My friend called me later and said he asked for my number and I was shocked. I acted like a big weird baboon and he still liked me. We saw each other after that but never got serious. But a lesson learned . Go for it Sister !! Don’t hold back even if you are looking like Rafiki!
So I suppose I shall give you all my background and how I came to be where I am today…. Well that to me would bore the arse off a donkey so Ill skim past some of it so that your awake for my first post.
I grew up on a stud farm in Co. Laois in Ireland with my brother Brian , Mammy Fran ( Franny as I like to call her) and Daddy Brian. For those of who knows where that is fair play, those who don’t slap it into Google because trying to explain where it is to people not local to Ireland is a mind f**ck.
Anyway I had a great childhood, in fact better then most because I had the best thing in the world, humor, along with family and friends that loved it as much as I did. My family had my back and still do to this day.
I was pretty average in school, but of course was a bit of a cheeky one at times as I’m sure everyone was back in the day. I went through the whole teenager phase , pulling the odd sicky ( sorry Fran )
alcohol in a Coke bottle and falling in love. Well at the time I thought it was love but came to realize they were just called assholes I believe it’s called nowadays. I then finished school and decided to enroll for college for Bachelor Of Arts. Now I had no clue what this would make me become the day I graduated but I said sure everybody else is so why not! Lasted about 2 months and just scrapped it and went working full time in my local supermarket.
I have great friends and my god do I miss them since coming out to Australia. The shenanigans we got up to were endless. Before I dropped out of college I was already drinking my usual Vodka and Lime every weekend and on the weekdays. I would come home from college on the train, hop off, go to the pub and I would be there until Monday morning again. That was the best and worst time of my life. I would be totally oblivious to the world around me and not a care given. I then started to straighten up again once I got into a relationship. Relationships change you, but not in a bad way . It gave me head space to decide what to do in my life…. and then said f**ck it lets go to Australia it’s whats in at the moment!! Wahhooooo!
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Now that is just a quick summary of my background. But I will delve deeper into it as my blog goes on giving you a full insight to days back then and now so you know the real me. Of course now I will tell you about that dreaded word and where it stemmed from, or so I think where it came from.
I was ill one time in school, and I remember this day so well. Mammy brought me to the local doctor for blood tests. Never had one before so thought meh this is a piece of cake. Got it done , sat up and as mam was talking to the nurse, Zoe here saw blurry and thought I was in Candy Land. I tried to call out to them but it was too late. 10 minutes later I wake up on the floor, sore head and asking “Where am I?”. I had apparently fainted, whacked my head of a metal trolley and just knocked myself out. Mam said I was shouting while I was out. I’d say it sounded like I was after taking a few sniffs of glue. Since that day I was changed woman. Good days and bad. I would not go to school for weeks. The reason you ask? I don’t even know myself, and so leads me into my world and my life…..
So upon whacking my head off the trolley and not wanting to leave the house for days on end I eventually managed to be coaxed to school. Although , my time in class was short lived. I had continuous feelings of panic, sweating and short of breath. Everybody would look at me as if I was a psycho from American Horror Story. I eventually had to go to a specialist in another county to help me out. My dad would take me every month and I used to dread the trip. I kept thinking horrible thoughts, was I ill, was I normal, oh my god I’m dying! That didn’t work, so I started to try healers. I used to sleep through it and it was actually quiet relaxing to zone out for an hour each week. It helped me a lot but I stopped going after a while. I have battled with it for years. In my end of year exams I was always trying not to pass out while the teacher sat scratching his arse and chewing loudly on his Viscount biscuits. Once I battled it through school I was hoping it would just go away… but it never does. I started my first job during my school years, and even then it was hard for me to wake up in the morning without a churning tummy and tears down my face. It’s like a feeling you can’t control coming on and you try to stop it but doing that just makes it worse, especially looking like you have taken Speed whilst trying not to p*ss yourself. I have learnt a few ways to override it which you will come across in my posts. I will be writing about different times of my life, but don’t worry they won’t be boring as the series of Lost, I promise ;
I will never forget the day of my brothers confirmation. That day was full of laughs, tears and a black eye. I dressed up to the nines, hair straightened and not like Hagrid’s from Harry Potter, nails, eyelashes you name it! We went to mass along with my grandmother and aunt. My Ma and Da were up front with Brian. The choir was belting out the hymns , parents proud as punch all around us. We then proceeded to kneel for prayer. I remember the priest talking and everything was getting quieter , my mind drifting off elsewhere. I then wake up underneath the seats with my grandmother trying to force a snickers at my face and my aunt telling her “Would ya go away she does not want that yolk!!” and my granny then bickering back ” She feckin needs sugar would ya look at her lying there!”. I look up at the choir… dead silent looking at me. I thought to myself “well f**ck it”. Dad had ran down and took me outside to tell me while the priest was saying the prayer he heard an almighy bang down the back of the church. It was me. I never felt so embarrassed! We had then left to go to dinner. I went to the toilet , looked in the mirror to see my right eye as bald as a jockey’s b*ll*cks! My eye hit the seat so bad on the way down to gaga land the blow had ripped all my lashes off. That was the second time I fainted and since that day I have not since. I don’t know if it was the heat , the priests voice or the smell of feet that caused me to drop like a fly but I was happy it hasn’t happened since then! Typical!
Just Say F*ck It! 