If a man hands you chocolate…. take it, if he hands you a glass of wine… take it, but if that m*therf*cker hands you a mop, take that chocolate and wine to the club!
In teenage years I was always a girl who wouldn’t know how to approach a man if someone had a gun to my head. If I got any attention at all I would make it awkward. I remember a party I went to for the first time in a long time , I got wasted off a 2 litre bottle of p*ss and was flying it around like I won X Factor. I was so happy that night. I saw a guy I had not met before and thought “Oh begod I would give him a go” even though I did not know what “go” was or how to do it as well as I thought. He approached me that night and I got a bit flustered. He then proceeded to hint about “sharing” a bed. Now all I had on was a Nike tracky , no make up as it dripped off me with the cider, and one boob the size of a dutch pancake. I ran inside and tried to scrub up but to no avail. To add more matters into the mix I checked around the “perimeters” to realise I could appear in Planet of the Apes. No way was I doing this. I went back and avoided him and after a while he fell asleep so I managed to get away. I thought to myself why avoid someone who wants your attention, why judge what they think when you do not know it yet. That was me all over. I presumed things and still do. The next morning he had left and I ‘presumed’ again he had lost interest. My friend called me later and said he asked for my number and I was shocked. I acted like a big weird baboon and he still liked me. We saw each other after that but never got serious. But a lesson learned . Go for it Sister !! Don’t hold back even if you are looking like Rafiki!
So I suppose I shall give you all my background and how I came to be where I am today…. Well that to me would bore the arse off a donkey so Ill skim past some of it so that your awake for my first post.
I grew up on a stud farm in Co. Laois in Ireland with my brother Brian , Mammy Fran ( Franny as I like to call her) and Daddy Brian. For those of who knows where that is fair play, those who don’t slap it into Google because trying to explain where it is to people not local to Ireland is a mind f**ck.
Anyway I had a great childhood, in fact better then most because I had the best thing in the world, humor, along with family and friends that loved it as much as I did. My family had my back and still do to this day.
I was pretty average in school, but of course was a bit of a cheeky one at times as I’m sure everyone was back in the day. I went through the whole teenager phase , pulling the odd sicky ( sorry Fran )
alcohol in a Coke bottle and falling in love. Well at the time I thought it was love but came to realize they were just called assholes I believe it’s called nowadays. I then finished school and decided to enroll for college for Bachelor Of Arts. Now I had no clue what this would make me become the day I graduated but I said sure everybody else is so why not! Lasted about 2 months and just scrapped it and went working full time in my local supermarket.
I have great friends and my god do I miss them since coming out to Australia. The shenanigans we got up to were endless. Before I dropped out of college I was already drinking my usual Vodka and Lime every weekend and on the weekdays. I would come home from college on the train, hop off, go to the pub and I would be there until Monday morning again. That was the best and worst time of my life. I would be totally oblivious to the world around me and not a care given. I then started to straighten up again once I got into a relationship. Relationships change you, but not in a bad way . It gave me head space to decide what to do in my life…. and then said f**ck it lets go to Australia it’s whats in at the moment!! Wahhooooo!
Now that is just a quick summary of my background. But I will delve deeper into it as my blog goes on giving you a full insight to days back then and now so you know the real me. Of course now I will tell you about that dreaded word and where it stemmed from, or so I think where it came from.
I was ill one time in school, and I remember this day so well. Mammy brought me to the local doctor for blood tests. Never had one before so thought meh this is a piece of cake. Got it done , sat up and as mam was talking to the nurse, Zoe here saw blurry and thought I was in Candy Land. I tried to call out to them but it was too late. 10 minutes later I wake up on the floor, sore head and asking “Where am I?”. I had apparently fainted, whacked my head of a metal trolley and just knocked myself out. Mam said I was shouting while I was out. I’d say it sounded like I was after taking a few sniffs of glue. Since that day I was changed woman. Good days and bad. I would not go to school for weeks. The reason you ask? I don’t even know myself, and so leads me into my world and my life…..
So upon whacking my head off the trolley and not wanting to leave the house for days on end I eventually managed to be coaxed to school. Although , my time in class was short lived. I had continuous feelings of panic, sweating and short of breath. Everybody would look at me as if I was a psycho from American Horror Story. I eventually had to go to a specialist in another county to help me out. My dad would take me every month and I used to dread the trip. I kept thinking horrible thoughts, was I ill, was I normal, oh my god I’m dying! That didn’t work, so I started to try healers. I used to sleep through it and it was actually quiet relaxing to zone out for an hour each week. It helped me a lot but I stopped going after a while. I have battled with it for years. In my end of year exams I was always trying not to pass out while the teacher sat scratching his arse and chewing loudly on his Viscount biscuits. Once I battled it through school I was hoping it would just go away… but it never does. I started my first job during my school years, and even then it was hard for me to wake up in the morning without a churning tummy and tears down my face. It’s like a feeling you can’t control coming on and you try to stop it but doing that just makes it worse, especially looking like you have taken Speed whilst trying not to p*ss yourself. I have learnt a few ways to override it which you will come across in my posts. I will be writing about different times of my life, but don’t worry they won’t be boring as the series of Lost, I promise ;
I will never forget the day of my brothers confirmation. That day was full of laughs, tears and a black eye. I dressed up to the nines, hair straightened and not like Hagrid’s from Harry Potter, nails, eyelashes you name it! We went to mass along with my grandmother and aunt. My Ma and Da were up front with Brian. The choir was belting out the hymns , parents proud as punch all around us. We then proceeded to kneel for prayer. I remember the priest talking and everything was getting quieter , my mind drifting off elsewhere. I then wake up underneath the seats with my grandmother trying to force a snickers at my face and my aunt telling her “Would ya go away she does not want that yolk!!” and my granny then bickering back ” She feckin needs sugar would ya look at her lying there!”. I look up at the choir… dead silent looking at me. I thought to myself “well f**ck it”. Dad had ran down and took me outside to tell me while the priest was saying the prayer he heard an almighy bang down the back of the church. It was me. I never felt so embarrassed! We had then left to go to dinner. I went to the toilet , looked in the mirror to see my right eye as bald as a jockey’s b*ll*cks! My eye hit the seat so bad on the way down to gaga land the blow had ripped all my lashes off. That was the second time I fainted and since that day I have not since. I don’t know if it was the heat , the priests voice or the smell of feet that caused me to drop like a fly but I was happy it hasn’t happened since then! Typical!