Today was a day where anxiety won its fight over me. I’m currently sitting on my bed, tummy in knots, feeling like I want to throw up everywhere and a splitting headache that has lasted since morning. I woke up feeling like crap, heart racing. I cleaned the house, sat down and didn’t get up. Fear was on my mind, a feeling of dread. I was suppose to go meet my partners brother and fiance for dinner an hour away, and I had not met them before. I really wanted to go but not only for the fact of meeting his family, but I knew how much it meant to him. He’s always wanted that. I hopped in the shower to get ready hoping I would feel better. After getting out, I just sat in my towel, felt worse then I did, and just cried. I could even get up and go with him an hour away. The last time I had it this bad, he had to drive back from a 4 hour trip with me and drop me at a station to get back home because I was exhausted, crying and panicking about the way I felt. He did not want that happening again. Even though he said it was fine and he understood, he was still disappointed. The look on his face said it all. I felt like a big let down, a disappointment and just an idiot. As much as I wasn’t feeling well it didn’t change anything. I didn’t want his family thinking I was rude and ignorant. I wasn’t wanting that impression. But I dont blame them in a way. I let my anxiety win. Sometimes it does win. I just wish today I could say “F*ck It!”. But i couldn’t . My banging headache still continues, along with my tummy jumping miles. My partner is out having dinner, and the thought of him feeling crap about what happened makes me feel like the worst person in the world. I love that man with everything I have. We may have our tiffs as all couples, but hes been there when I couldn’t leave the house for days. He doesn’t deserve to be let down by me. I dread his arrival home knowing I’ve hurt him. I want to make it up to him but can’t think how he would want to even talk to me. When he reads this I want the world to know how much he means to me , how much of a rock he is and that I will try not let this overcome me again. Yes anxiety wins sometimes, but its situations like these that make you realize why its important to battle through it. I may have sat there sweating, running to the toilet every 5 minutes, but I would put myself through that for him. I made a mistake, but I can only learn from it.

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