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Just Say F*ck It!

Bulldoze Your Way Through Life!!

Where It All Began….

So I suppose I shall give you all my background and how I came to be where I am today…. Well that to me would bore the arse off a donkey so Ill skim past some of it so that your awake for my first post.

I grew up on a stud farm in Co. Laois in Ireland with my brother Brian , Mammy Fran ( Franny as I like to call her) and Daddy Brian. For those of who knows where that is fair play, those who don’t slap it into Google because trying to explain where it is to people not local to Ireland is a mind f**ck.
Anyway I had a great childhood, in fact better then most because I had the best thing in the world, humor, along  with family and friends that loved it as much as I did. My family had my back and still do to this day.

I was pretty average in school, but of course was a bit of a cheeky one at times as I’m sure everyone was back in the day. I went through the whole teenager phase , pulling the odd sicky ( sorry Fran )
alcohol in a Coke bottle and falling in love. Well at the time I thought it was love but came to realize they were just called assholes I believe it’s called nowadays. I then finished school and decided to enroll for college for Bachelor Of Arts. Now I had no clue what this would make me become the day I graduated but I said sure everybody else is so why not! Lasted about 2 months and just scrapped it and went working full time in my local supermarket.

I have great friends and my god do I miss them since coming out to Australia. The shenanigans we got up to were endless. Before I dropped out of college I was already drinking my usual Vodka and Lime every weekend and on the weekdays. I would come home from college on the train, hop off, go to the pub and I would be there until Monday morning again. That was the best and worst time of my life. I would be totally oblivious to the world around me and not a care given. I then started to straighten up again once I got into a relationship. Relationships change you, but not in a bad way . It gave me head space to decide what to do in my life…. and then said f**ck it lets go to Australia it’s whats in at the moment!! Wahhooooo!

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Now that is just a quick summary of my background. But I will delve deeper into it as my blog goes on giving you a full insight to days back then and now so you know the real me. Of course now I will tell you about that dreaded word and where it stemmed from, or so I think where it came from.

I was ill one time in school, and I remember this day so well. Mammy brought me to the local doctor for blood tests. Never had one before so thought meh this is a piece of cake. Got it done , sat up and as mam was talking to the nurse, Zoe here saw blurry and thought I was in Candy Land. I tried to call out to them but it was too late. 10 minutes later I wake up on the floor, sore head and asking “Where am I?”. I had apparently fainted, whacked my head of a metal trolley and just knocked myself out. Mam said I was shouting while I was out. I’d say it sounded like I was after taking a few sniffs of glue. Since that day I was changed woman. Good days and bad. I would not go to school for weeks. The reason you ask? I don’t even know myself, and so leads me into my world and my life…..

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When your mind is a clusterfuck…

I’m sure most of you have had days where your brain is going a fuckin thousand miles an hour like your late for church on a Sunday. It’s amazing how little things can drive you fuckin mad! I spend my days thinking of what to write in an email for work, what happens if I get it wrong , why is certain things happening , why certain people are fuckwits , is this going to pay off for me , do people like me , why am I so pale etc and the list goes on . 

I don’t take any medication at all, stay away from coffee so I won’t get the jitters (or the shits) , go to sleep pretty timely , but still wake up feeling like a bag a boiled Shite and worry about the work day ahead and what’s it going to bring, and then the afternoons telling myself to excersise and it never happens. 

The lesson I have learned and continue to learn is that if you do nothing about these things , how do you expect to get over them ? In saying that I’m currently lying here in bed , with basterding cramps because us women love taking the hits in the ovaries. This is me writing so I can kick myself in the ass and stop ✋ for a second and chill the fuck out . 

Please listen to me when I say , there is always a solution to everything. If your still not sure , write it down. Writing brings out your fabulous thoughts 💭. If it relates to how your going to get revenge on an ex, what to cook for dinner , a diet or a flipping Netflix decision , just write it and do it and cross it off. To me crossing off your fears, ideas, goals and worries, is better then taking my bra off after a day in 30 degree heat , and that’s something .

I’m back bitches 

It’s been a few months since I’ve been online , reason being is because I thought my blog was not really fun or wasn’t doing anything for me. But I’ve also been busy the last couple of months in work , battling with my weight, money etc all the usual Shite . However I have missed my writing and for the small few people who did like my writing You might as well keep reading about my story . Since the last time I wrote an entry , I’ve gained about the same weight as an elephant on steroids . Ive just been eating crap, works been exhausting and I’m still not saving a penny . But I’ve decided to put down the Oreos , cut down on the smokes ( even though I would kill someone without one ) and focus on me more and getting on with it . So this is a hello I’m back and will be motivating myself to keep on trucking . 😎

Today Anxiety Won

Today was a day where anxiety won its fight over me. I’m currently sitting on my bed, tummy in knots, feeling like I want to throw up everywhere and a splitting headache that has lasted since morning. I woke up feeling like crap, heart racing. I cleaned the house, sat down and didn’t get up. Fear was on my mind, a feeling of dread. I was suppose to go meet my partners brother and fiance for dinner an hour away, and I had not met them before. I really wanted to go but not only for the fact of meeting his family, but I knew how much it meant to him. He’s always wanted that. I hopped in the shower to get ready hoping I would feel better. After getting out, I just sat in my towel, felt worse then I did, and just cried. I could even get up and go with him an hour away. The last time I had it this bad, he had to drive back from a 4 hour trip with me and drop me at a station to get back home because I was exhausted, crying and panicking about the way I felt. He did not want that happening again. Even though he said it was fine and he understood, he was still disappointed. The look on his face said it all. I felt like a big let down, a disappointment and just an idiot. As much as I wasn’t feeling well it didn’t change anything. I didn’t want his family thinking I was rude and ignorant. I wasn’t wanting that impression. But I dont blame them in a way. I let my anxiety win. Sometimes it does win. I just wish today I could say “F*ck It!”. But i couldn’t . My banging headache still continues, along with my tummy jumping miles. My partner is out having dinner, and the thought of him feeling crap about what happened makes me feel like the worst person in the world. I love that man with everything I have. We may have our tiffs as all couples, but hes been there when I couldn’t leave the house for days. He doesn’t deserve to be let down by me. I dread his arrival home knowing I’ve hurt him. I want to make it up to him but can’t think how he would want to even talk to me. When he reads this I want the world to know how much he means to me , how much of a rock he is and that I will try not let this overcome me again. Yes anxiety wins sometimes, but its situations like these that make you realize why its important to battle through it. I may have sat there sweating, running to the toilet every 5 minutes, but I would put myself through that for him. I made a mistake, but I can only learn from it.

Mondays…Get F*cked!

As I write this I’m sitting in an Uber on my way to glorious work. Woke up, checked the time , I was late and fell trying to get out of the bed whilst the dog got tangled in my legs bursting for the back door ! I kept saying “no way, I am not going to work today , I’m too tired and pissed off to even look at anything that moves!”. But I am stubborn bitch , I slapped on my makeup on half and eyelid, got dressed and threw a box of cereal in my bag for lunch. I always dread Mondays. It’s a fear of having to be an adult again for the next 5 days , pretending to like every customer you speak to even though you want to grab them and throw them over the nearest balcony for being rude and irritating. “Listen you twat, you thinks you f*cking know everything?! I will kick you in the nutsack!!” That’s what I picture saying to them. It’s not a bad thing to think I mean not everyone is nice but you just have to out that aside. Yes I don’t exactly love my job but it’s better then most and besides it’s how I survive each week. There’s always time to get another job or find something to study and once you reach that goal you’ll look back and know that job provided you with that opportunity. Once Monday is over you start to swing into the week and it flys . Just Say F*ck It and get some Berrocca into ya !! 

Hey love get the door will ya? Eh no….

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Some of you might find this odd , some of you may find it hilarious but someone may also relate. When I got older and started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks I turned into a freaky mofo… I wouldn’t open a door to anyone. If a takeaway of a good ole Chinese arrived and someone yelled “Get the effin door!” I would run away and pretend I didn’t here it. It was like I was afraid of who was on the other side of the door and better still what would I say? Most of you are probably thinking ‘you absolute fruit cake you just open the door , take the food and say thank you’. It’s easy to do I know that, but when you suffer from something that makes you break into a cold sweat and makes your heart race for no reason you think something is wrong , I can’t do anything , I look like shit on a stick, they will laugh at me, you just crawl away. You become socially awkward towards poor Johnny delivering your food and then he freaks out. Now a days , I’ll open the door in my pj shorts on backwards, inside out and stuck to my arse and not give a hoot. They humans. Who cares? You just need to overcome thinking there is a gremlin on the other side who is going to judge you. F*ck It, grab the food , smile that you can now eat your own body fat in 10 minutes and run inside with excitement of munching on the prawn crackers first!! 😀

To the person taking up 3 seats on the bus…..

Public transport….. dear sweet Jesus. As bad as it is to take 2 buses every morning and afternoon, there is nothing as bad as standing on packed bus , the smell of stale p*ss and BO in the air and the ignorant son of a b*tch sprawling out across 3 seats. Now to add to that having a panic attack  whilst this is around you is not pleasant. I remember I had to jump off one morning because I thought I would pass out on the bus. I ran to the nearest bathroom, got myself together and got a Berrocca into me. Bloody great yolks! Jumped on another bus and was on my way. The second time this happened I called a loved one. When your in a panic, talk to someone , via text, email, a call. It takes your mind off your surroundings for just a moment to zone back in and calm down. Now dealing with the frustration side of people just being dicks, that’s another hurdle. It takes my every strength to hold back and not say ” I get you think your entitled to take up the whole fricken bus, but your actually just an ignorant twat”. Don’t let people get to you. Why waste your time over someone else who is just someone who will always be ignorant and rude. You can’t change them. If you could you would be Harry Potter. For me even to write that takes my strength on those people. I’m not saying  don’t lose your shit because hey we ALL need to do that now and again … trust me let lose. But F*ck It , throw your arms up and say your an asshole and I’m not!

Do I have to get up?! Meh….

I’m sure a lot of you guys and gals relate to the below picture because I can tell you all right now that is my lazy , bloated , don’t give two fiddlers body right there :/

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You find warmth, comfort and a safe haven in bed. Where your dreams are outlived that night and forgotten once your eyes covered in shitty green crap, open up slowly. I for one used to wake up every morning with my tummy in knots almost feeling the need to puke everywhere. I would start to sweat and the feeling of dread swept over me. I was bored of my routine, work and living situation.  I felt I had no way I’ve having the will to get up and kick the shite out of the world. It took a while but my living became better, job got better and I could get up and go. Of course I don’t wake up and start singing ‘Eye of the Tiger’, dance my way to my Nutri Bullet or run 10km to work, but I have a life worth living. I have better than most people that do not have a job, a house or loved ones. Yes there is days of anxiousness and it happens but just get up and say F*ck It I am going to kick ass today for myself and be happy for small things in life.

Me F*cking Dress Won’t Fit..

When I was younger I was a chubby tomboy. You will see in my pic of my Grandad and I, I didn’t even give a shit at that age either. Having chats and tea. They were the days.

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I grew up around my cousins who were mostly male and so took after them and there boyish ways. I began to eat more as I got older, midnight feasts of crisps and Kinder Eggs. Eventually I was a big girl. I started to care once I realized men existed and l should be the same as every other girl and slap on the Sally Hansen everyday, roll up the school skirt and come in with my face looking like a cement bucket. I joined Slimming World , lost 3 stone, and was happy in my size. I was more confident. I then got in my first relationship, ate like he would love me no matter what, got hefty again then BANG… he was off looking for his next target. I remember the heartbreak… thinking “That C*nt made me fat again!” So then I didn’t eat much after that because I was so confused and broken. Lost more weight and boom another relationship. Not again… The cycle continued. Today I am a size 12-14 , I try to eat healthy and try to lost weight, wondering if Kyra Banks would hire me when I’m a size 8. But yano what? I’m happy. I’m happy for what I have. Yes I will continue to get fit and eat healthy , but I will NOT break my arse in a gym for 2 hours straight for someone else. Be happy and eat cake! F*ck it !

The Big Move

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For me, travel was never a thing. The day myself and my then partner decided to go I thought ” Meh , it is only Australia, easy as”. I wasn’t saying that the day I left. I had snot bubbles and tears as I said goodbye to my family, walking through the terminal as I was being walked down the Green Mile. I never forget the look on my Dad’s face :(.  I was gone for a while. In fact to this day I still not have gone home due to financial strains and my visa. It’s been 3 years. However this move made me more independent. A girl who couldn’t even leave for work because I was afraid of something bad happening and here I was. This made me stronger than ever. If anything , you should move out of your comfort zone. As bad as it sounds, you achieve things people thought you couldn’t do, and you can turn around with your middle finger in the air. Now that is an awesome feeling! I struggled with work , meeting new people and finding the right place to call home. My partner and I went our separate ways. That was hard. He was the only familiar thing I knew out here. But I had to do it for both of us. I met my current ‘boil on my arse’ (lol just joking) in my workplace at the time and we have been together ever since. We are like two potatoes in a field. We have settled in a home in Brisbane but looking to move soon with our dog. It took me 3 years to even get close to being settled in. I have a job I’m a Team Leader in at the moment and that is probably the first time I’ve been acknowledged for my work out here. So if you wanna fly, FLY! Yes you won’t have mammy or daddy there , but you appreciate every small thing you see and do. Ozzy land is full of funny characters which I will recall soon 😀

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